saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
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When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man