I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
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High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!