Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
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Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*