@DomBorrett

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

@DomBorrett

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

@DomBorrett

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

@DomBorrett

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

@DomBorrett

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

@DomBorrett

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

@DomBorrett

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

@DomBorrett

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco