Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
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I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
How do you milk an almond?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.