@DonQuickoats

If I had a piranha pond I might ask you to come over and take a close look at the lilypads

@DonQuickoats

I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I’m mowing the lawn

@DonQuickoats

When I see drivers with tinted windows I still stare at them in their eyes, or where I think their eyes are, so they think I’m superhuman

@DonQuickoats

I don’t even know how my dog can even think how I might fall for the notion someone else tore apart my shoe

@DonQuickoats

My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up

@DonQuickoats

The best way to respond to a limp handshake is to tickle their palm with your middle finger

@DonQuickoats

Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip

@DonQuickoats

I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding