Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
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Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Breaking news:
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*