Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.