Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.