That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.