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Page of Donnie_Fairburn's best tweets

@Donnie_Fairburn : DNA doesn't make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

@Donnie_Fairburn: The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven't seen since high school asking what you've been up to these days

@Donnie_Fairburn: Just installed the iOS 9 update and I've already noticed a significant increase in my phone's battery life! This is aweso

@Donnie_Fairburn: 911: What's your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That's not an-
*swat team busts down my door*

@Donnie_Fairburn: [Police sketch artist job interview]
"How am I not qualified?"
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
"It's a cat actually"

@Donnie_Fairburn: [trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

@Donnie_Fairburn: "Son, hey son"
Yeah dad?
"Know why we named you Adopted?"
*Sighs* Because I'm adop-
Good one dad
"I'm not your dad"

@Donnie_Fairburn: [Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
"Can I ask you something?"
"Why'd you name the dog 'Another Man' babe?"

@Donnie_Fairburn: [Pharrell eating at Arby's]
"I want a new look"
Like a new hair cut?
"Something crazier"
*notices the hat in the Arby's logo*
"I've got it!"

@Donnie_Fairburn: "Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!"

- The first horse ever ridden (probably)