Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
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Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit