Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
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Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.