4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
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I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family