wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Candles never taste the way they smell
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.