who called it a toilet and not an IP address
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Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.