I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Peter Parker Peter Driver
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.