But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
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I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal