My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
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Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Yes my dude
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free