*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
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Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.