@Douchekevin

FANTASY:

Adored by women
Wealthy
Virile
Sex machine
Owns dragon
Twitter famous

REALITY:

Unfollowed by cat magazine.

@Douchekevin

My GFs good traits:

Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon

Bad traits:

Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon

@Douchekevin

Don’t mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery

@Douchekevin

Sometimes I like to send out texts to random numbers saying “My period is late”.

@Douchekevin

My four year old planted 25¢ in the garden and said a money tree is going grow there.

I laughed- but water it at night just in case

@Douchekevin

A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.

I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice

@Douchekevin

Anyone who says ‘they wish they could be a fly on the wall’ has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper.

@Douchekevin

When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- ‘all of it’ wasn’t as funny to him as it was to me.

@Douchekevin

Heading out for drinks, bail money’s on top of the fridge.

@Douchekevin

Bad is accidently sending your buddy a dirty sext intended for your girlfriend.

Worse is getting ‘lemme think about it’ for a reply.