Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of Douchekevin's best tweets

@Douchekevin : FANTASY:

Adored by women
Wealthy
Virile
Sex machine
Owns dragon
Twitter famous

REALITY:

Unfollowed by cat magazine.

@Douchekevin: My GFs good traits:

Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon

Bad traits:

Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon

@Douchekevin: Don't mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery

@Douchekevin: Sometimes I like to send out texts to random numbers saying "My period is late".

@Douchekevin: My four year old planted 25¢ in the garden and said a money tree is going grow there.

I laughed- but water it at night just in case

@Douchekevin: A 25 year old just told me she's gonna rock my world.

I'm 47 so I assume she's gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice

@Douchekevin: Anyone who says 'they wish they could be a fly on the wall' has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper.

@Douchekevin: When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- 'all of it' wasn't as funny to him as it was to me.

@Douchekevin: Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge.

@Douchekevin: Bad is accidently sending your buddy a dirty sext intended for your girlfriend.

Worse is getting 'lemme think about it' for a reply.