Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Douchekevin's best tweets

@Douchekevin : My GFs good traits: Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon Bad traits: Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon

@Douchekevin: Don't mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery

@Douchekevin: Sometimes I like to send out texts to random numbers saying "My period is late".

@Douchekevin: My four year old planted 25ยข in the garden and said a money tree is going grow there.

I laughed- but water it at night just in case

@Douchekevin: A 25 year old just told me she's gonna rock my world.

I'm 47 so I assume she's gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice

@Douchekevin: Anyone who says 'they wish they could be a fly on the wall' has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper.

@Douchekevin: When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- 'all of it' wasn't as funny to him as it was to me.

@Douchekevin: Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge.

@Douchekevin: Bad is accidently sending your buddy a dirty sext intended for your girlfriend.

Worse is getting 'lemme think about it' for a reply.

@Douchekevin: I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.

So I keep the curtains closed.