Adored by women
Unfollowed by cat magazine.
My GFs good traits:
Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon
Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon
Don’t mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery
Sometimes I like to send out texts to random numbers saying “My period is late”.
My four year old planted 25¢ in the garden and said a money tree is going grow there.
I laughed- but water it at night just in case
A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.
I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice
Anyone who says ‘they wish they could be a fly on the wall’ has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper.
When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- ‘all of it’ wasn’t as funny to him as it was to me.
Heading out for drinks, bail money’s on top of the fridge.
Bad is accidently sending your buddy a dirty sext intended for your girlfriend.
Worse is getting ‘lemme think about it’ for a reply.