A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
me and the Superbowl rn
Incredible customer service.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!