Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
A completely valid reaction tbh
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Cool shirt 🙂
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Tony Hawk, age 6