ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
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Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton