Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old