When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
This classic never gets old . . .
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.