I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
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[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc