My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
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It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave