I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
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I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I like crazy people until they notice me
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.