instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
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{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
tell em, edith-anne
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?