God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
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My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
secret recipe
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Europe. Made in Germany.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Saturday
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3