[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.