“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
We’ve all been there…
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
#math
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.