my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
You Might Also Like
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.