I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
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*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me: