Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
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Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.