@Dr_awfulpants

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is phlegm
-Can you use it in a sentence?
*loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*

@Dr_awfulpants

*calls Rosetta Stone*
Yes hi I was wondering if you had a course on body language
*my friend choking on buffalo wings clutches his throat*

@Dr_awfulpants

If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.

@Dr_awfulpants

Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two – Deux list?

@Dr_awfulpants

[Doctor office]
-How are you feeling?
-Not good.
-Any side effects from the medication?
*cries tears of fire*
-Now that you mention it…

@Dr_awfulpants

I don’t want to criticize but whoever named them brownies wasn’t trying very hard.

@Dr_awfulpants

I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*

@Dr_awfulpants

[Water cooler]
-Looks like you had a wild weekend! How’d you get the scratches?
*flash back to me bathing my cat*
-Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.

@Dr_awfulpants

Congratulations on “obtaining” your yellow belt. If we’re ever attacked by 3 pieces of wood being held together, you’re in charge.

@Dr_awfulpants

[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’