Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
You Might Also Like
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.