I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
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What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
💯😂
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring