“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*