@DrakeGatsby

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

@DrakeGatsby

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

@DrakeGatsby

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

@DrakeGatsby

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

@DrakeGatsby

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

@DrakeGatsby

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

@DrakeGatsby

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

@DrakeGatsby

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

@DrakeGatsby

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

@DrakeGatsby

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.