Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
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If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.