@DrakeGatsby

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

@DrakeGatsby

17-year-old Me: Hey I wanna buy this beer

Clerk: No way, this is a fake ID. I’m calling the cops

Me: Oh good idea they’re probably 21

@DrakeGatsby

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

@DrakeGatsby

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

@DrakeGatsby

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

@DrakeGatsby

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

@DrakeGatsby

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

@DrakeGatsby

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

@DrakeGatsby

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

@DrakeGatsby

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok