@DrakeGatsby

Every Sasquatch “documentary” is like “Cleetus had been up for 3 days drinking paint thinner, but he knows what he saw.”

@DrakeGatsby

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

@DrakeGatsby

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

@DrakeGatsby

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

@DrakeGatsby

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

@DrakeGatsby

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

@DrakeGatsby

[First day as a cop]

Me: *goes to draw my gun* Ope I put a hot dog in the holster

@DrakeGatsby

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

@DrakeGatsby

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

@DrakeGatsby

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG