my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n