guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
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I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
love it when they get my name right
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other