nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor