Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
You Might Also Like
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
normalize having existential bread
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.