We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
You Might Also Like
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure