“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
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Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
this country is so goddamn polarized
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice