welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
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5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious